No, I Did Not Love Her
No, I Did Not Love Her
It was an old house, locked from years. Saba and ma were insisting to sell it off, but the memories were deeply rooted in that. I don’t have courage to sell it to some stranger and deprive myself from the taste, touch and sounds of Binita.
Aah…Binita…. the name struck like a knife in my heart, at the same time it filled me with nostalgia. I did not love her. I never loved her, but still she was in my life, in my soul, in my blood. She lived in me, however hard I tried to vacate my body or heart of her and her memories, she never left.
Looking back at past years was not tough, I was doing it from last so many years. Brooding, sulking, annoyed, happy but never ever missed to remember that. Never stopped looking back.
It was May 25th when I landed at my home after four years in the hostel. Ma and Papa were back from Australia and house was looking quite good. Their decision of leaving me in hostel was opposed by all but Ma and Papa were not perturbed. I was nine and staying away from them was like hell but once they decided, it was done. Papa’s job with foreign agency needed four years in Australia so they went, enrolling me in that hilly, foggy hostel for four years. They were in touch and I too after certain period of homesickness started liking the new arrangement.
So this was a family reunion, where I was greeted with a baby sister. That little bundle of joy was cute but I wasn’t able to make any connection with her. She seemed an outsider, who was there to make me happy for time being but should go away. I was fourteen and she was three. So I was a little aloof of everyone. Living without parents for four years at that vulnerable age was taking its toll slowly. I was cut off from them. So was eagerly waiting for vacations to end.
That was the time when I first met her. She was standing on my door, with a smile on her lips and stars in her eyes. But I was not impressed. She kind of irritated me. Her round face and equally round big eyes was shining. She was smiling all the time and every time stars seemed to fell from her cheeks and eyes and lips. In Her long hair, plaited in two braids and long frock, which touched her calves, she looked chubby and cute. She was nine, maybe ten.
‘Yeah…?’ I was curt.
‘What are you listening to?’
‘Bob Marley’
‘Who is she?’
‘He, not she.’ What the hell?
‘Hmmm….’ she was least interested.
'But ……her..sorry…. his words I can not understand….how can you?
‘Who are you?’
She looked at me as if I offended her by asking.
‘I am Binita…’ oh it sounded like ‘I am the princess of this whole state.’
‘And who is Binita..’ I stressed the word.
In the meantime I heard my mom calling and she ran from there.
I must confess she was somewhat responsible for my fruitful stay at home and because of her I felt a little better and enjoyed my holidays. She was Colonel Mathur’s daughter, who was our neighbor. She was studying in 9th standard and was just one year younger to me.
Whenever I came out of river after a swim she was always there, smiling. When I came sweating after a bicycle ride she was always there with a chilled glass of lemonade ready for me. Her presence everywhere and every time were like invasion in my privacy. It was a strange kind of feeling. I wanted her near me but was irritated of her presence. And with this confusing state of mind my vacations were over and I left for hostel.
While leaving I tried to find her but she did not come that day. I was little disappointed and irritated. I tried to look into her house while passing through but did not go inside. What was there to say? Bye? And why should I say bye to her? She knew I was leaving she should be here. Slowly I forgot about her.
After tenth we all went to Europe for holidays and I missed seeing her that season. And when I saw her next I was amazed. The girl with chubby cheeks and two plaits was grown into a beautiful woman. I was all set to leave for higher studies and she had given her twelfth. Her visits to my house were reduced but I could see her walking or climbing on trees in her garden sometimes. Her house was a big one with lots of mango trees and usually she used to sit there eating raw mangoes, reading, and engrossed in herself. Her only companion was Saba, my little sister and both adored each-other.
It was a humid afternoon and I was restless. I wanted to talk to her but she was avoiding me. Her visits were often at those times when I wasn’t home. That day I saw her again in her garden. It was cloudy and looked dark. She was sitting on a swing. Eating mango oblivious of her surroundings. It was a sight to behold. Her long hair flowing with wind, her chunni playing with her body, she was looking like Shakuntla of Meghdoot.. I was feeling guilty to watch her like that but I could not leave the place. I was glued. No one was home and I was feeling strange. She was there at a call’s distance and I was looking at her. My throat was dry my eyes were burning. It was a strange kind of feeling it was turmoil inside me.
I wanted her that time, more than anything. I called her, but the sound seemed to fade in my throat only. It was impossible to call her so I went to her garden and was in front of her. She was puzzled to see me. And with a startle she jumped from the swing. She almost fell on the ground, her eyes never leaving my face. I picked her up and smiled.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Why have you left visiting my house?’
‘Why should I come there?’
It was a challenge sort of in her voice and her eyes were penetrating deep into my eyes.
‘To meet Saba,’ I did not want to say that but I could not say what I wanted to say.
‘You don’t worry about that, we meet everyday.’ She seemed offended and I loved it. It gave me a brutal kind of satisfaction.
Clouds were becoming darker and there was a big thunderstorm. With a flash she was in my arms. It started raining heavily. She tried to pull herself but I never let her. Instead I started kissing and caressing her.
‘Stop doing this, Please let me go.’ She whispered.
‘No, stay here please.’ I was groggy with emotions. The pleasure of her wet body against mine was delicious. I wanted to savor it more. The animal in me was awake.
She was shivering in my arms and I carried her to my house. There was hardly any protest from her side. She turned to me when the storm was over.
To be continued……
It was an old house, locked from years. Saba and ma were insisting to sell it off, but the memories were deeply rooted in that. I don’t have courage to sell it to some stranger and deprive myself from the taste, touch and sounds of Binita.
Aah…Binita…. the name struck like a knife in my heart, at the same time it filled me with nostalgia. I did not love her. I never loved her, but still she was in my life, in my soul, in my blood. She lived in me, however hard I tried to vacate my body or heart of her and her memories, she never left.
Looking back at past years was not tough, I was doing it from last so many years. Brooding, sulking, annoyed, happy but never ever missed to remember that. Never stopped looking back.
It was May 25th when I landed at my home after four years in the hostel. Ma and Papa were back from Australia and house was looking quite good. Their decision of leaving me in hostel was opposed by all but Ma and Papa were not perturbed. I was nine and staying away from them was like hell but once they decided, it was done. Papa’s job with foreign agency needed four years in Australia so they went, enrolling me in that hilly, foggy hostel for four years. They were in touch and I too after certain period of homesickness started liking the new arrangement.
So this was a family reunion, where I was greeted with a baby sister. That little bundle of joy was cute but I wasn’t able to make any connection with her. She seemed an outsider, who was there to make me happy for time being but should go away. I was fourteen and she was three. So I was a little aloof of everyone. Living without parents for four years at that vulnerable age was taking its toll slowly. I was cut off from them. So was eagerly waiting for vacations to end.
That was the time when I first met her. She was standing on my door, with a smile on her lips and stars in her eyes. But I was not impressed. She kind of irritated me. Her round face and equally round big eyes was shining. She was smiling all the time and every time stars seemed to fell from her cheeks and eyes and lips. In Her long hair, plaited in two braids and long frock, which touched her calves, she looked chubby and cute. She was nine, maybe ten.
‘Yeah…?’ I was curt.
‘What are you listening to?’
‘Bob Marley’
‘Who is she?’
‘He, not she.’ What the hell?
‘Hmmm….’ she was least interested.
'But ……her..sorry…. his words I can not understand….how can you?
‘Who are you?’
She looked at me as if I offended her by asking.
‘I am Binita…’ oh it sounded like ‘I am the princess of this whole state.’
‘And who is Binita..’ I stressed the word.
In the meantime I heard my mom calling and she ran from there.
I must confess she was somewhat responsible for my fruitful stay at home and because of her I felt a little better and enjoyed my holidays. She was Colonel Mathur’s daughter, who was our neighbor. She was studying in 9th standard and was just one year younger to me.
Whenever I came out of river after a swim she was always there, smiling. When I came sweating after a bicycle ride she was always there with a chilled glass of lemonade ready for me. Her presence everywhere and every time were like invasion in my privacy. It was a strange kind of feeling. I wanted her near me but was irritated of her presence. And with this confusing state of mind my vacations were over and I left for hostel.
While leaving I tried to find her but she did not come that day. I was little disappointed and irritated. I tried to look into her house while passing through but did not go inside. What was there to say? Bye? And why should I say bye to her? She knew I was leaving she should be here. Slowly I forgot about her.
After tenth we all went to Europe for holidays and I missed seeing her that season. And when I saw her next I was amazed. The girl with chubby cheeks and two plaits was grown into a beautiful woman. I was all set to leave for higher studies and she had given her twelfth. Her visits to my house were reduced but I could see her walking or climbing on trees in her garden sometimes. Her house was a big one with lots of mango trees and usually she used to sit there eating raw mangoes, reading, and engrossed in herself. Her only companion was Saba, my little sister and both adored each-other.
It was a humid afternoon and I was restless. I wanted to talk to her but she was avoiding me. Her visits were often at those times when I wasn’t home. That day I saw her again in her garden. It was cloudy and looked dark. She was sitting on a swing. Eating mango oblivious of her surroundings. It was a sight to behold. Her long hair flowing with wind, her chunni playing with her body, she was looking like Shakuntla of Meghdoot.. I was feeling guilty to watch her like that but I could not leave the place. I was glued. No one was home and I was feeling strange. She was there at a call’s distance and I was looking at her. My throat was dry my eyes were burning. It was a strange kind of feeling it was turmoil inside me.
I wanted her that time, more than anything. I called her, but the sound seemed to fade in my throat only. It was impossible to call her so I went to her garden and was in front of her. She was puzzled to see me. And with a startle she jumped from the swing. She almost fell on the ground, her eyes never leaving my face. I picked her up and smiled.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Why have you left visiting my house?’
‘Why should I come there?’
It was a challenge sort of in her voice and her eyes were penetrating deep into my eyes.
‘To meet Saba,’ I did not want to say that but I could not say what I wanted to say.
‘You don’t worry about that, we meet everyday.’ She seemed offended and I loved it. It gave me a brutal kind of satisfaction.
Clouds were becoming darker and there was a big thunderstorm. With a flash she was in my arms. It started raining heavily. She tried to pull herself but I never let her. Instead I started kissing and caressing her.
‘Stop doing this, Please let me go.’ She whispered.
‘No, stay here please.’ I was groggy with emotions. The pleasure of her wet body against mine was delicious. I wanted to savor it more. The animal in me was awake.
She was shivering in my arms and I carried her to my house. There was hardly any protest from her side. She turned to me when the storm was over.
To be continued……
© promilla., all rights reserved.
In case you missed...
Some other recent posts by promilla
© 1998-2008 Copyright Sulekha.com Connecting Indians Worldwide, All Rights Reserved.
Recommend
votes