No, I Did Not Love Her – Part III
No, I Did Not Love Her – Part III
(Concluding part)
http://promilla.sulekha.com/blog/post/2008/05/no-i-did-not-love-her.htm
http://promilla.sulekha.com/blog/post/2008/05/no-i-did-not-love-her-part-ii.htm
Problem did not solve there, it continued. Whenever I met Sophia I felt her presence around me. A very eerie presence. I hated her like anything. I went to a shrink also when I was so disturbed, but nothing helped. Sophia was fed up of my ‘mood swings’ this was what she told me. I could never tell her the truth and she was gone out of my life. I felt homesick. I just wanted to go to India and spend sometime with family but Binita’s presence there was holding me back. That time I got a call from Saba. Father wasn’t keeping well and he wanted to see me. I had to go.
It was too late when I reached. I could not meet him. House was full of people. And I was too busy in things that her presence did not bother me. In fact I was happy because she was there to take care of Mom and Saba. She was running the house those days. Instructing servants, making lists, cooking, and attending everyone. It was my 20th day at home, when I saw her standing there near the door. I remembered the first time when I saw her. Cute and cuddly. But she looked sick now. Her round eyes were shadowed with dark circles and her cheeks were hollow. She was smiling but her smile was not reaching her eyes. There were no stars on her face. She was wearing a sari and looking old.
‘This is the money left after all the expenditure.’ She handed me a bundle of notes. Her voice was calm, void of any expression.
‘Why are you giving this to me?’
‘I am leaving today. ‘ She said in a small voice.
‘Where?’ Her going away was like a blow on my chest.
‘Home.’ She left the bundle and keys and turned away.
Home? She is married? Good for her.
‘Binita…’ I wanted to thank her, maybe I wanted to stop her. She turned, looked at me and with a gesture of hands she stopped me.
‘Don’t say anything. Take care of Auntie and Saba. Take them with you.’
Again I was mad at her. What she thinks she is? Why can’t she tell me in simple words what I wanted to listen? Why is she showing me her pathetic condition? She wanted to tell me that I was the reason of her state? I wanted to hurt her, give her the pain for life.
I picked the bundle of notes and shoved in her hands. She looked at me with a question.
‘Keep this for your services to the family. You did a lot.’ The animal in me was furious.
She was stunned. Silent. I was glad. I was like a wall of stone, which fell on her glasshouse. I was happy that she was hurt. I was happy that she was broken into pieces, never to be one again. Then, she smiled, and kept the bundle on my bed and said in most dignified voice.
‘You can keep it as a favor from me to lure some English girls and besides that you have to pay for some more glasses you brake at their place.’ She smiled and left. Her steel voice shattered all the happiness and my ego and I was left alone in the room, Cold and terrified.
Mad with frustration I left the house. Walked aimlessly. I hated her with all my soul. That night I asked for a favor to friends. They arranged a girl and sent her home when all were sleeping. She was young, but beautiful or not could not decide. It did not matter actually. Her loads of makeup was a big turn off. I just wanted her for my purpose tonight. Just to show Binita that I can be free of her ghost. Fully drunk I lunged on her. The smell of lemonade filled the room.
‘What the hell? What perfume you are using.’
‘Why?’
‘Is it something, which smells of lemon?’
She laughed.
‘No, I hate lemon on my body.’ With a seductive voice she pouted.
But I smelled just lemons around. I told her to take of her bangles, but she said she wasn’t wearing any. When I held her face in my hands her big round eyes started dancing. It seemed that stars were falling from her face and smile.
‘Binita….’ It was an animal cry, which arouse from bottom of my heart.
She was afraid. Waving my hand I told her to leave immediately. She must have thanked her stars cause she left in a second. I fell on my bed and cried. But I did not love her I was sure of that.
We left for London after a month. Ma and Saba both were settled now. My marriage was the big concern for ma, but I plainly told her that I am not going to marry ever. She was heart broken but started making arrangement for Saba’s marriage. Ma was happy when she was gone, happily married with her beloved. Her time was passing in prayers and in taking care of me. Life was going smooth except some episodes of Binita’s fragrance or the voice of her bangles. They were part of my life now and this was also the surety that she was still in love with me.
Now the question of selling house in India again erupted. It was a justified thing, so mom told me to go and sell that. I left for India.
Going to same memories was not easy. My heart was paining. I wanted to run back but I had to go and arrange the things. I checked in the hotel and then after taking some rest I left for my house. It looked deserted, both the houses in fact were isolated and shabby. I entered with so many memories of past in my heart. The house was open. It was strange because keys were with me. Smell of biryani wafted in the atmosphere. Oh again…here too? She will never leave me alone. I smiled, I never wanted to be alone now.
I saw her, standing on the door, amazed. She was a skeleton, but her eyes were shining. I opened my arms. She hesitated, looked at me. Did not move.
‘I love you Binita…..’ too many tears which refused to come every time, were now flowing on both the faces. I knew she was waiting for me. Now I knew she was inside me but I refused to see. Those hallucinations were my dark deeds, my conscious was alerting me every time when I tried to touch someone else. She was right when she said that she was missing me so deeply that she used to SEE things. This is what soul mates are? She was mine and knew that one day I will come back.
‘I am so sorry. Please forgive me.’
She was crying and before she could fell I held her small frame into my strong arms. I picked her unconscious body to the bedroom and called emergency from my cell. Already most of the life was wasted but whatever was left must be celebrated by both of us. She was my woman and now I had to act like a man.
The End.
(Concluding part)
http://promilla.sulekha.com/blog/post/2008/05/no-i-did-not-love-her.htm
http://promilla.sulekha.com/blog/post/2008/05/no-i-did-not-love-her-part-ii.htm
Problem did not solve there, it continued. Whenever I met Sophia I felt her presence around me. A very eerie presence. I hated her like anything. I went to a shrink also when I was so disturbed, but nothing helped. Sophia was fed up of my ‘mood swings’ this was what she told me. I could never tell her the truth and she was gone out of my life. I felt homesick. I just wanted to go to India and spend sometime with family but Binita’s presence there was holding me back. That time I got a call from Saba. Father wasn’t keeping well and he wanted to see me. I had to go.
It was too late when I reached. I could not meet him. House was full of people. And I was too busy in things that her presence did not bother me. In fact I was happy because she was there to take care of Mom and Saba. She was running the house those days. Instructing servants, making lists, cooking, and attending everyone. It was my 20th day at home, when I saw her standing there near the door. I remembered the first time when I saw her. Cute and cuddly. But she looked sick now. Her round eyes were shadowed with dark circles and her cheeks were hollow. She was smiling but her smile was not reaching her eyes. There were no stars on her face. She was wearing a sari and looking old.
‘This is the money left after all the expenditure.’ She handed me a bundle of notes. Her voice was calm, void of any expression.
‘Why are you giving this to me?’
‘I am leaving today. ‘ She said in a small voice.
‘Where?’ Her going away was like a blow on my chest.
‘Home.’ She left the bundle and keys and turned away.
Home? She is married? Good for her.
‘Binita…’ I wanted to thank her, maybe I wanted to stop her. She turned, looked at me and with a gesture of hands she stopped me.
‘Don’t say anything. Take care of Auntie and Saba. Take them with you.’
Again I was mad at her. What she thinks she is? Why can’t she tell me in simple words what I wanted to listen? Why is she showing me her pathetic condition? She wanted to tell me that I was the reason of her state? I wanted to hurt her, give her the pain for life.
I picked the bundle of notes and shoved in her hands. She looked at me with a question.
‘Keep this for your services to the family. You did a lot.’ The animal in me was furious.
She was stunned. Silent. I was glad. I was like a wall of stone, which fell on her glasshouse. I was happy that she was hurt. I was happy that she was broken into pieces, never to be one again. Then, she smiled, and kept the bundle on my bed and said in most dignified voice.
‘You can keep it as a favor from me to lure some English girls and besides that you have to pay for some more glasses you brake at their place.’ She smiled and left. Her steel voice shattered all the happiness and my ego and I was left alone in the room, Cold and terrified.
Mad with frustration I left the house. Walked aimlessly. I hated her with all my soul. That night I asked for a favor to friends. They arranged a girl and sent her home when all were sleeping. She was young, but beautiful or not could not decide. It did not matter actually. Her loads of makeup was a big turn off. I just wanted her for my purpose tonight. Just to show Binita that I can be free of her ghost. Fully drunk I lunged on her. The smell of lemonade filled the room.
‘What the hell? What perfume you are using.’
‘Why?’
‘Is it something, which smells of lemon?’
She laughed.
‘No, I hate lemon on my body.’ With a seductive voice she pouted.
But I smelled just lemons around. I told her to take of her bangles, but she said she wasn’t wearing any. When I held her face in my hands her big round eyes started dancing. It seemed that stars were falling from her face and smile.
‘Binita….’ It was an animal cry, which arouse from bottom of my heart.
She was afraid. Waving my hand I told her to leave immediately. She must have thanked her stars cause she left in a second. I fell on my bed and cried. But I did not love her I was sure of that.
We left for London after a month. Ma and Saba both were settled now. My marriage was the big concern for ma, but I plainly told her that I am not going to marry ever. She was heart broken but started making arrangement for Saba’s marriage. Ma was happy when she was gone, happily married with her beloved. Her time was passing in prayers and in taking care of me. Life was going smooth except some episodes of Binita’s fragrance or the voice of her bangles. They were part of my life now and this was also the surety that she was still in love with me.
Now the question of selling house in India again erupted. It was a justified thing, so mom told me to go and sell that. I left for India.
Going to same memories was not easy. My heart was paining. I wanted to run back but I had to go and arrange the things. I checked in the hotel and then after taking some rest I left for my house. It looked deserted, both the houses in fact were isolated and shabby. I entered with so many memories of past in my heart. The house was open. It was strange because keys were with me. Smell of biryani wafted in the atmosphere. Oh again…here too? She will never leave me alone. I smiled, I never wanted to be alone now.
I saw her, standing on the door, amazed. She was a skeleton, but her eyes were shining. I opened my arms. She hesitated, looked at me. Did not move.
‘I love you Binita…..’ too many tears which refused to come every time, were now flowing on both the faces. I knew she was waiting for me. Now I knew she was inside me but I refused to see. Those hallucinations were my dark deeds, my conscious was alerting me every time when I tried to touch someone else. She was right when she said that she was missing me so deeply that she used to SEE things. This is what soul mates are? She was mine and knew that one day I will come back.
‘I am so sorry. Please forgive me.’
She was crying and before she could fell I held her small frame into my strong arms. I picked her unconscious body to the bedroom and called emergency from my cell. Already most of the life was wasted but whatever was left must be celebrated by both of us. She was my woman and now I had to act like a man.
The End.
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