GREY SKY WITH A RAINBOW        
 
 
The letter was in my hands. I was looking at it, and thinking about the possibilities it stated. As it is, I did not have any plan to go ahead. So, I was a bit interested in it. It was a letter from my maternal grandmother from India. This was the first letter I had ever received from her. I did not know that she could write so beautifully in English. I was pleasantly surprised. It was an invitation to visit India at the time when I desperately wanted to go away from this place. Life is good when it sails smoothly, but worse when we cannot think of anything that gives peace. Thirty years of my life had past uneventfully, smoothly, happily. But the last two years were painful, sad, and tragic. I was just getting along with a life without dreams, energy, or possibilities of looking forward.

India was home, which we had left when I was twelve. For last twenty years, I was settled in Chicago, and never had a chance to go back. Parents went there annually, but I was always busy in something or the other. Initially, for two years I really missed home; I used to become sad, but afterwards it was my deliberate decision to avoid going there. Since the death of my parents, I was alone with granny.  She was the only relative who was close to me; she used to call me every week. She was also of course heart-broken, and wanted me to visit her in India, but I avoided. My life was settled here, so I had always insisted that she should rather come down to me. Thus, it was her second trip to the US. First, she came here when my parents died in an accident, and now she came for me.

She stayed with me for six months. She cooked for me, talked to me. She was a source of strength, which I needed badly.  Living in an empty house was something I was never comfortable with; so, her being  with me was a blessing. I wanted to share so much with her, but I could not. How would she understand? It is unconventional, she would be shocked. So, I decided against it. But I could feel that she was aware of the things happening in my life. She never asked anything, and I never told her about it. Then, one day, she went back to India. I requested her a lot to continue staying, but could not force her. She had a big house in a beautiful hill-station that was home to her. It was understood, so I did not force her. Strange as it was that two closely related persons were bound to stay separately, far away in their respective homes.

My personal relations were at the worst. Julia and I were drifting apart. The relationship was killing me. But her going away was equally torturous for me. The only option was that I must get out of Chicago for some time, and let the time decide the fate of this relationship.

I called Granny and told her that I was coming. She was very pleased. It was difficult to learn her thoughts since she laughed and cried at the same time sounding young and eager. I flew the next weekend without informing Julia. Something was missing and lost somewhere. My eyes were burning due to the choked, UN-shed tears. But, I had to get out of the city without being emotional. The flight was boring. The landing at Delhi airport filled me with nostalgia. India! It was my home; it still is, as long as granny is here.

I did not stay in Delhi. Just took off the connecting flight to Himachal Pradesh. From there, the drive to Granny’s place was two hour’s drive. Her instructions were clear, so I did not face any inconvenience. The drive from the small airport was a beautiful experience. The mighty ranges of Dholadhar Mountains were shinning as silver snow; there was lush greenery everywhere. The morning was sunny and bright with a nip in the air---a perfect welcome for me!

The taxi entered the portico of the cottage. It was surrounded by plenty of trees and colorful flowers; the surroundings and the cottage were indeed beautiful. I had only a vague memory of the house with lots of people in it. I remembered it as a huge house, but now I saw that it was not that big. Maybe, because I was so young at that time, so things appeared bigger.

Granny stood there with her frail, five feet two inches, frame wrapped in a shawl. Her silver hairs were shinning, but it was her smile, and the twinkling of the tears in her eyes, that made me swallow something inside. My tears were hidden inside. I ran towards her and hugged her close. She was crying with happiness while I struggled to stop myself from it. I was home, in the arms of my Granny who was my last connection to my native.

She made a huge fuss about my stay. She allocated the best room of the house with a huge, antic, and four-poster bed. The room had a high ceiling. There were three huge windows giving awesome view to the mountains and the gardens. At night, I literally felt that I was sleeping in the garden amongst the fragrance of the flowers.

Granny had a servant, about fourteen or fifteen year old. His name was Deep. There was an old gardener.  All lived like a family. Granny preferred to cook herself, and now when I was here, cooking was a matter of great concern. She was asking me before every meal what menu to cook, and cooked only that. Rajma-chawal, stuffed paranthas, pav-bhaji, chholey-bhature, shahi paneer, naan, you ask for it and it was there. One day, I told her that I was missing my continental food, and the sweetheart cooked that too! She was a boon. I marveled at her energy and her enthusiasm. She was widowed at a very young age, but faced the life with dignity, and was still standing upright.

I badly wanted to share things with her, but was holding back. We started going for the walks in the woods, watched the old and new classic movies, and listened to the music. It was bliss. Sometimes, Julia came to my mind, and it was frustrating; I used to get blank and expressionless. On such moments, Granny never failed to sense my condition, and would leave me in peace without asking anything.

But that day, when the phone rang in that house for the first time in my presence, I was amazed. Who was calling? Granny took the receiver and listened, then she called me, ”for you,” she gave me the phone. “For me?” Strange! Who was going to call me?

‘Hello!’ It must be a wrong number.

‘Hello,’ it was that unmistakable accent that made me shiver. She still had that effect on me. Her voice made me long for her. It made me weak. Yes,  it was Julia. From where did she get the number, from my secretary? She talked for five minutes, and sobbed all the while.

‘When are you coming back?’ She was asking.

‘As soon as you decide, either he or me,’ I knew I was harsh to her, but life with her was a hell in this situation.

‘I have decided. You come back, then we’ll talk.’

‘Fine, I’ll be back after three weeks.’ I kept down the receiver.

What had she decided? Marc or me? My throat was parched, and my hands were trembling. It could be either of us, me or Marc. The chances were fifty-fifty. At that time of winter, I was perspiring. I felt dizzy.

Granny was watching me intently. She gave me a glass of water and left the room. I pulled myself to a chair and slept like a log.

It was about midnight when I found myself buried on the chair. A heavy blanket was wrapped around me. To my amazement, I saw Granny sitting on another chair, reading.

When she heard me wake up, she kept her book down, and looked at me with a grave look.  

‘Why you are not sleeping,’ my voice was hoarse.

‘Sleep eludes with age,’ she said smilingly.

‘You want to eat something? You must be hungry.’ Her voice was calm.

‘No, I am not hungry,’ I stretched myself. I was not feeling sleepy anymore.

She got up and went out of the room. Julia was again in my thoughts, but sleep had made me a bit stronger. I started walking in the room. Granny came with a cup of coffee and some biscuits. She forced me to sit down, and drink the  coffee and eat the biscuits.
It was a full-moon night. All the windows were open and the light was coming inside. It was making rectangle patterns on the pitch-dark floor. We were sitting silently.
‘What’s it Kabir? What’s eating you?’ she was seriously looking at me.

This was the first time that she was asking. I was looking at her face, it seemed fairer in the moonlight. The fragrance of the flowers was wafting inside with the air. I was feeling acutely vulnerable at that time. My brain started thinking the pros and cons of the situation. What’s the harm in telling her. At least I will get relieved.

‘Granny, I am in love.’ I was feeling like a kid who was telling his parents about the most horrible thing that has happened.

‘Falling in love is beautiful, it gives you pleasure, but in your case, you are sounding as if this is the crime you have done! You are feeling sorry for it.’ She was serious.

‘I am in love with a married woman, Granny, ’ I uttered slowly. ‘Who is elder to me by seven years.’

‘What’s more awful, her being married or being elder to you?’ it was the most surprising question in that situation. Was she not shocked to hear this at all?

‘She is still living with her husband, and since last two years she is planning to leave him to come to me. But she’s still undecided, it’s getting tougher day by day for me.’ I was almost choked with my own words.

‘It must be equally tough for her, my dear. Leaving somebody close to her to get the love of her life sounds great, but in fact it’s the most difficult thing to do.’ Her voice was soft like a dream.

‘What’s tough? Why can’t she just leave him? She is in love with me, how can she stay there and make love to him? Since last two years, she has been asking me to wait, but wait for what? It’s killing me Granny, it’s driving me mad.’ I started walking inside the room again, thumping on the streaks of the moonlight.

‘Listen, Kabir! If you really love her, you must understand her dilemma. She is torn between two men, one she is married to and the other with whom she’s in love. If it isn’t love, she wouldn’t be there since last two years. I can see that you too love her, but Kabir, you don’t have to make a choice, she has to. Let her take time; let her decide. Don’t make things tougher for her. Stay cool and patient. If it’s a true love between you two, she will surely come, and if she doesn’t, she was not for you.’

Granny came and stood behind me, her soft bony hand on my shoulder. ‘She is missing you that’s why she called you, she needs you that’s why she tried to find you. My dear, you don’t have to run from the situation, if it’s tough, you should face it. Blow the situation not yourself.’ Her hands were patting my shoulder gently.
I was expecting a moral lecture from her, but there she was standing like an angel in that beautiful moonlight; advocating for a woman she had never seen, trying to make me understand the situation of a foreigner with whom she was not even remotely familiar. A woman is always a woman, wherever, however she is; feeling for each other, connecting to and standing for each other. I was truly amazed. I looked at her fragile frame that had a brain that was thinking logically not emotionally. Her eyes were filled with tears for that unknown woman and for her grandchild who were in love, irrespective of the fact that the woman was older and married. It was truly amazing!

‘Now you must go to bed and sleep,’ she pushed me gently toward the bedroom. ‘I am also going to get some sleep.’

‘Granny!’

She stopped. I went to her and hugged,. ‘Thanks.’ She kissed my forehead and went to her room. I was feeling light and peaceful now.

Suddenly, I realized that I was making Julia’s decision tough. Since the last two years, I was hardly enjoying the relationship, the togetherness. It was just the tension, my jealousy, which was making me irritated. Whenever we were together, I was always sarcastic, hurting her emotionally. She used to cry silently, but never stopped coming to me. She always took my insults without complaining. I was the one who forced her into this relationship. It was me who was persistent until she said yes. I felt ashamed of myself. It was me who was at fault, not she. There was nothing for her in this relationship except the humiliation, which I hurled at her at will, intentionally or unintentionally. Why was she taking it all? Of course, she loves me too! I felt sorry for her now. I wish she  was here with me. She needs  a support to break her marriage, but I was just tearing her apart.

My seventy-year old angel opened my eyes. After two years, I slept peacefully without any tension. I was wrong and I had to make amendments.

The morning was beautiful. It was raining and the garden was looking greener, cleaner. Everything was pure and pious. Granny was sitting on the veranda sipping her coffee. I just went there and sat at her feet, she hugged me as if I was a small child. Indeed, I felt like one.

‘ I am going to call her,’ I said.

‘You must, and invite her here if possible.’ She was slowly patting my head
.
‘Great idea, Granny!’ I was excited like a kid. And, we started making the plans of her arrival.
 

 
 
 


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